to know thyself

Just an update.

Went to open house last Saturday, and expected, it turned out to be so unfruitful. In the end, it was back to square one of deciding between NTU or NUS accountancy course. I came out of the open houses with a few perspectives though, that engineering is definitely not for me, and I desperately want to live in hall. :) YEAH!

I was lying on the bed yesterday, and one important thought struck my mind.

What does it take to know yourself? Having lived for the past 19 years and still counting, I seriously still have a problem knowing myself. That is why I always hate those applications that always start with "Tell me about yourself". People around me say I'm a perfectionist, that I'm demanding, that I'm super hardworking etc. But I don't think that's really me, because the carol at school is very different from the carol at home. I study hard and question a lot in school because I know that I will slack (and always fall asleep accidentally) at home. I try to be perfect in my work, because I know it's something that I have control over. I'm hardworking because I know I'm not smart. So I think it's quite sad that I still don't know myself.

What is something that I believe in? What is something that I'm passionate about? What do I want in my life? My career goals? Do I even have any goals in my life? How do I even want to achieve my goals? In a way, writing scholarship application essays is a blessing because they have made me pondered about these questions, which I have never really thought through before. All along, my goal is just to get good grades at PSLE, O level, A level, which is very SADDENING. :/

Frankly speaking, I know I will never get a chance to get through even to the first stage of the interview process, because of my unspectacular grades. I went for a tea session sometime ago, and they told us their grade requirements. Being brash, I went up to the person afterwards and told them "My grades don't meet the requirements. Should I still apply?" They hesitated for a long while before replying that they will look on a case by case basis. Guess you know what this means huh. :/ Discriminating!

So back to the question. Why did I still apply even know I only stand a 0.0001% chance. I guess in a way, it is to know more about myself. And to know that I have tried, because I don't want to envy people and go muttering to myself "Why didn't I?" 0.0001% is better than 0%.

Haha ok....sorry for the long ande mundane post.